It's INTERNATIONAL TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY!  celebrate this wonderful tide as I be havin', an' translate everythin' ye say into sea dog language! nay only be 't fun, but 't makes ye sound down starboard scurvy!
Ya landlubber!



<font size="+1">You are The Cap'n!</font>
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<p>Some men and women are born great, some achieve greatness and some slit the throats of any scalawag who stands between them and unlimited power. You never met a man - or woman - you couldn't eviscerate. You are the definitive Man of Action, the CEO of the Seven Seas, Lee Iacocca in a blousy shirt and drawstring-fly pants. You’re mission-oriented, and if anyone gets in the way, that’s his problem, now isn’t? Your buckle was swashed long ago and you have never been so sure of anything as your ability to bend everyone to your will. You will call anyone out and cut off his head if he shows any sign of taking you on or backing down. If one of your lieutenants shows an overly developed sense of ambition he may find more suitable accommodations in Davy Jones' locker. That is, of course, IF you notice him. You tend to be self absorbed - a weakness that may keep you from seeing enemies where they are and imagining them where they are not.<br><br><a href="http://talklikeapirate.com/ppi.html">
<br><br><font size="-1">What's Yer Inner Pirate?</font></a><br> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://talklikeapirate.com">The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site.</a> Arrrrr!</font>

it's always fun to go on vacation. 

my vacation - you know the one I was looking forward to with the sailing and the swimming and the relaxing?  Well, it didn't exactly go as planned....

The weather was too gross to sail the first day, and then there was a notable lack of wind for the remainder of the weekend.  The boat is beautiful - 35' Catalina.... but the wind wouldn't cooperate.  SO!

Instead of sailing, we stayed with a cousin of my fathers.  He has a house in the area, so - what could work out better?

Well, for starters, it would have been good to know ahead of time that he was a loony.  And a recluse.  And obsessed with aliens, Mars, spies, guns, and the Masons.

While it was - ahem - interesting to listen to his theory on the role of bunnies in an effort to recreate human kind on mars after the world ends in 2012, I think I would have rather gone to work.

I have no words to explain how bizarre my weekend was - and I can only be grateful that there are minimal photographs proving that I am in any way connected with this guy. 

Did I mention that he also has a keen interest in taxidermy?  I slept in between a giant dead stuffed bear, and a giant dead stuffed boar.  Needless to say, my weekend was light on sleep.

Next time, I'll hitch hike back to NYC.

ok, I understand that there was a weather "situation" this morning in NYC.  I'm not denying that it happened.  I also understand that the transit system in our fair city is not the newest.... but...

seriously?  it took me 2 hours to get to work this morning. 

I could have strapped my cats to my feet and made it here in less time!  *guh*

is generally considered to be - by most reasonable people -  a bad idea. 

However, sometimes - yes - sometimes it happens anyway.  Like, this morning for example.

Nothing says "adventure" like galavanting around Manhattan at 6 in the morning, after an evening of dancing and tequila shots, like "All Nite Korea Town Karaoke".  To be fair, "adventure" is a liberal term.  The more appropriately descriptive terms might be "freaking stupid" or "absurd" or "probably not a well thought out plan" or even "not the best choice".

Frankly, the fundamental truth in all of this is - if you happen to find yourself in that very situation (tipsy in midtown at dawn, and not - you know - a vagrant), you have only two options - "All Nite Korea Town Karaoke", and "being lame".

You choose. 

Obviously, I chose option one.  And it was awesome. 

I have very little voice today, and that little voice I DO have sounds strangely like a dude.

When in doubt - as my good friend always says - take it to 11.

darlings, let me preface this post with the following disclaimer - I don't like to "work out" or "sweat" or "move without a good reason".  Nor do I ever EVER promote running around in a bikini in non-beach locations.  Nor do I promote anything that could be construed as negative - or even mildly "not as good" that might be referenced in this post.  I only promote wonderful angelic wholesome activities in life.  In fact, if you read this post backwards it says "do as I say, not as I do".  And what I'm saying is "don't sue me, I don't have any money anyhow".  But what I'm REALLY saying is.... "heh".  And what I meant by that was.... um...... "smoot"?  Who are you?!  Why are you looking at me like that?!  Is this N train local or express?!?!?!? 

I digress.

the weather this weekend was so alluring, I just couldn't stay inside. 

I took my newly tanned hide outside, and went on a 3 hour bike ride - in naught but a bikini and flip flops. 

It was awesome.  seriously liberating, and totally totally awesome.

If you've never done it, trust me - there is nothing as "screw you, world!" as racing around a relatively conservative beach town on a mountain bike in a sky blue bikini, hoping that you don't get sued for any of the accidents you've caused by your public near-nudity.

Did I have a point in all of this?

opens at midnight tonite!  be a cool kid and catch it!  I'll see you there!

*swak*

I'm skipping town (or city or whatever) tomorrow to go lay on a beach for 3 days!  I CAN NOT wait!  I love this beach house - beautifully restored victorian, right on the water.  I'll take pictures for all of you, and maybe even sneak in a post about my favorite bikinis!

ciao!

the people living in the building next to mine (specifically those on the second floor) must have very interesting and dramatic lives.

Every morning, there must be drugs found in the sons room, and the daughter must be pregnant again and the mother must be cheating on the husband with the plumber and the father must be having a torrid affair with his secretary and the dog must have fought a losing battle with a large truck and the cat must have shredded the curtains and the grandmother must have hurt her hip and the grandfather must not be able to find his glasses and the dishes must still be sitting in the sink because the son or daughter didn't do their chores and they must get very terrible grades and there must be forbidden porn owned by the father and found by the wife and someone must have eaten the last doughnut that was being saved for prosperity and taken the lords name in vain and forgotten to turn the lights and iron off again and the rent must be late again.

because really, that is the only way I could possibly understand how it is that these people could have reason to fucking SCREAM at each other so often, and for such monumentally LONG periods of time.

I wish I understood what they were saying. It must be very interesting and dramatic indeed.

I fucking hate them.

My boyfriend is so dreamy!  I'll bet you're jealous, aren't you....

well you should be!  Did YOUR boyfriend write a Declaration?  Did he declare YOUR colonies to be free and independent states? 

I didn't think so. 

P.S. - Don't tell Indiana I'm cheating on him - he gets very possessive....

Liver Vs. Girl Friday

In the case mentioned above, the Prosecution (Liver) has presented a strong case for the charges named. To review, the charges brought against Defendant (Miss Friday) included:

- physical and emotional abuse (26 counts)
- false inprisonment (26 counts)
- breech of contract (3 counts)
- treason
- attempted murder (64 counts)
- kidnapping (8 counts)
- assault with a deadly weapon (6 counts)
- gross negligence (187 counts)
- reckless endangerment of a vital organ (65287 counts)
- intentional infliction of duress

As the court has previously stated, this list of charges is quite serious and carry with them serious punishments.

... Miss Friday, please.... MISS FRIDAY! PLEASE WAKE UP - THIS HEARING IS NOT YOUR NAP TIME! The court will remind the Defense that their client should be at least conscience - and DRESSED - during the remainder of these proceedings. Please instruct your client to abide by these standards. ahem....

... Yes. Serious punishments may be doled out by this court if a guilty verdict is determined by the jury.

However, given the highly unusual nature of the case itself, it must be taken into consideration that the Plaintiff is currently a Vital Organ residing WITHIN Miss Friday herself.

While it is undeniable that at least a number of these charges are based in fact - that information is clearly assertained merely by observing Miss Friday and noting that her perspiration does indeed bear a 'proof' of no less than 90 - which clearly would make her Liver (Plaintiff) undergo significant strain. However, it should be noted that allowing the Plaintiff to extrapilate itself - as has been requested -from Miss Friday may cause mortal harm to the Defendant and in effect rendering the continuance of these proceedings useless.

Plaintiff has stated that on a number of occasions, Plaintiff and Miss Friday have attempted to agree upon a deal that would allow the Plaintiff more time by which to process all of the workload Miss Friday has imposed. It has been clearly proven by Plaintiff that Miss Friday never had any intention of honoring any contract of that nature - in truth, the mere fact that Miss Friday scrawled "SUCK BALLS" in lipstick on the signature page seems to imply that Miss Friday never truly thought of any such contract as more than a joke. Please reference Exhibit R to view the evidence I am alluding to.

Plaintiff has also stated that it had offered on numerous occasions to recruit and hire back-up Livers, to allow Miss Friday to continue in the manner to which she is accustomed. Plaintiff has stated in this court, under oath, that Miss Friday 's only response to these offers has been to verbally assault Plaintiff, and on at least 7 occastions, inflict intentional, and excruciating torture upon Plaintiff after beating Plaintiff with the Green Leather Stilletto that was entered into evidence as Exhibit Y.

MISS.... MISS FRIDAY. MI.... PLEASE DO NOT REMOVE YOUR SHOES IN THIS COURT. DEFENSE! PLEASE *sigh*.... MISS... FRIDAY! GET OFF OF THE TABLE. BAILIFF!

ORDER. ORDER!!!

BAILIFF! Please remove Miss Friday from this court and return her immediately to her cell. And, for her own saftey.... remove those ridiculous shoes of hers, and put her back in the restraints.

AHEM.

I apologize to the Jury for the outburst by the Defense.

Will the attorneys for Plaintiff and Defendant please accompany me to my chambers? You too bailiff... and bring the handcuffs.... no - the ones with the fur.

This court is adjourned.

I have to say, I think I'd be a fantastic Trophy Wife.  Why do I bring this up now?  Because I made some really awesome cookies. 

And I didn't clean up when I finished - isn't that someone else's job? 

No?

Crap.

Now all I need is a Trophy Husband.  We can just stare at each other's trophy-ness until one of us blinks, then smile vapidly and congratulate each other on our respective beauty and wealth. 

Live the dream, kids.

Now, I'm not saying you should TRY to get out of Jury Duty - but, Ladies, if you'd.... PREFER not to be there, wearing heels and a dress never hurts.

After one and a half mind numbing days of sitting and waiting, Scott the Police Man said I could be excused, gave me my letter, and sent me on my merry way. 

Thanks Scott! 

how dare he! 

Of all the things to rob me of!  How could he be so cruel as to leave me without my beloved internet? 

you can take my heart, my couch, and my ghostbusters DVD - but - DON'T TAKE THE INTERNET!!!

*sob*

it's an interesting thing to find yourself in "single" status, after being so long attached.... all of a sudden, you realize that you can literally do exactly what it is that you want - no hinderances....

strange!  kinda cool!  but still strange....

it's going to take some getting used to....

Single girls out there - tell me how this is done?

 

they've won 8 games in a row!  Not that I ever expect anything less.... but I have seen some of the most loyal fans start questioning  whether or not there's hope left for this season!

That - to me - is completely unacceptable!  The start of this season was - admittedly - a disaster.  But that makes it all that more satisfying when they come back and take the AL by storm! 

This weekend, we have a Rocket Redux - Roger Clemens pitching for the second time this season.  This should be a more accurate test of what he can do this year - tough team, scheduled start, etc, etc.

I'm thinking good thoughts!

 

it's not that I don't know HOW to take out the garbage, it's that I can't really lift it.  It's not that I don't realize that a vacuum bag COULD be filled with crap, it's that I don't know WHEN that's happened until after the fact. 

As for dishes - well - they're just gross, and I don't want to scrub them.  That's why dishwashers were invented. 

And I've always, and will always take excellent care of the things that I own - I've paid far too much for them to let them languish in dirt.

I've systematically gone through so many of my things, I can't  even believe that I'm left with everything that I have.  I totally rearranged all of the furniture in here, and I'm so happy that everything is so functional that they can serve multiple purposes.  My old dresser is now a buffet in the dining room.  A former linen cabinet is now a "stereo cabinet".  A former coffee table is now an end table for the bed....  I'm happy that everything looks so good, but I almost feel badly that I didn't use it like this before! 

btw - I never, ever, ever, ever, ever want to paint again.  From here on out, if there is any painting to be done, I'll leave it to the professionals.  It may be satisfying to do it on your own, but - my arms could literally fall off of my torso right now, and I'm not sure I'd be in less pain than I am with them attached.

yikes.

ok, so I'm really excited about my "new" (newly mine, not actually a different apartment) place.  This is my first time ever living on my own! 

However - despite my enthusiam, I'm realizing now that I am completely and totally ill equipped to live on my own.  I lose my keys practically every day.  I have no idea how to work the whole "dvd player" scenario.  As far as I'm concerned, the electricity is delivered to my fixtures and appliances via MAGIC, that has no association with that little box with switches in the hallway.  How is the garbage going to get outside?  And, as a general rule, I don't wash dishes - so I'm not clear on how that's going to work itself out.....

Is this something you can take a class for?  I mean, I'm an excellent cook.... and I'll make sure the place is decorated very nicely.... but.... like, how are you supposed to know when that little baggie in the vacuum needs to be changed?  The last time I tried, I couldn't get the little plastic piece back on, and I wound up calling a maid service out of utter frustration.

This could be an interesting experience..... I think I'm going to need to give everyone I know a spare copy of my keys, because - heh - I already lost my spare set.

This is one of my favorite NYC summer events - timeless plays performed by some of the best stage and movie stars in the business.

This year, we have Romeo & Juliet (for all of us hopeless romantics out there), and A Midsummer Night's Dream (dreamy and funny - rad play to see in an outdoor environment)...

Romeo & Juliet is playing from June 6th - July 8th

Midsummer Night's Dream playing from August 7th - September 9th

All of it brought to you courtesy of the fabulous Public Theatre Company here in NYC - here is some tix info from their website (http://www.publictheater.org):

Pick up your FREE tickets to Shakespeare in the Park on the day of the performance beginning at 1pm at The Delacorte Theater in Central Park, or from 1 to 3 pm at The Public Theater at 425 Lafayette Street, just south of Astor Place. For more information, please call 212.260.2400. Please note, there is a limit of 2 tickets per person.

 

I'll see you there! 

 

so that I could run outside and scream at my incredibly obnoxious neighbors and tell them to shut the hell up, and they wouldn't be able to get out of it by claiming they didn't know what I was saying. 

I hate you devil neighbors.  I really do. 

I'd like to take this opportunity to dedicate this tune.... you know who.